Whisper

I realized this morning (as I sit with my dog laying on my feet and coffee in hand-what's new?), how much I have forgotten to spend time enjoying God lately.

I reached a point where I was able to finally say, "I was angry." or "I'm just sad" and then everything just stopped. I felt like I had reached the top of the mountain I've been fighting so hard to climb and just felt like sitting there. I stopped wanting to seek God. I stopped wanting to experience him. I stopped wanting to climb higher.

I've reached a point that I spend so much time preparing for a small group or studying what was taught on Sunday or reading some book so I can have "good theology", that I forget to take a quiet morning and just let God whisper to me. To sit and be still and just listen.

Then I watched this.

I realized I've focused so much on being broken and not happy with where I am, that I forget how others see me and how God made me.

I see these tiny imperfections and I let them eat away at me. I see that I'm not making as much money as everyone else, I'm not living on my own anymore, I'm not that girl on pinterest pinning things for her wedding (i'm pinning them for my sister)-don't get me wrong, I'm more than excited she's getting married.

I'm just at a place where I'm too busy realizing I'm not where I think I should be, I forget where I am.

I'm at a place where everyone else is. Broken, imperfect and suffering.
It just looks a little different.

This video is a great reminder of what Solomon talks about in Ecclesiastes or what Paul says in Ephesians. And as I sit here I can't help but feel God leaning over and just gently whispering:

"I have made everything beautiful in my own time. I planted eternity in your heart. Seek it. You can't see now what I'm doing from beginning to end because, if you could it would crush you. But be still my child. I am with you and I love you. Stop looking at all the things you're not and rest in the understanding that I don't want you that way at this time. Embrace me. Trust me. For I am yours and you are mine. You are perfect in your imperfections."

Saints

It's amazing to me how much man glorifies man.

Don't worry, I'm sitting here raising my hand in affirmation that I too, do the same.

While I was in Ethiopia they lost prime minister Meles Zenawi. I drove in a car with a grown man in tears over this loss. Then sat in a living room with tears running down my face during the funeral for the sorrow this country felt. The abandonment and the feeling of, "what now?". The feeling of fear that their country will go back to a time of violence and despair.

Then today I sat in my living room (coffee in hand and dog laying at my feet) watching a country and a church watch Pope Benedict XVI do something no Pope has done in 600 years, leave his post. I listened to the news anchors and people interviewed and both marveled in their ability to come together as a country with love for one man, and felt a heavy burden on my heart that they put so much faith in him.

One man said that they are feeling as though they are orphans now. Abandoned and alone. Another made a comment about where their hope should be found now that a saint is gone and no ordinary man can be a saint.

It's amazing to me that both these things come up this morning after a night last night of teaching through Ephesians. A night of remembering the words of Paul when he writes in verse 18 of chapter 1:

I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

I thank God that I know who to put my faith in. That I know my identity and who to turn to in times of feeling abandoned and alone. That I am a Saint. I am a rich and glorious inheritance because I am His. He chose me and is with me. He is sovereign over all and never failing.

I pray for the people of Italy and in the Catholic church. That during this time they may come in to contact with someone who will teach them what they've been missing. That man can only do so much. But God is eternal and omnipresent. That they are Saints and loved so much more than they could ever imagine. 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for allowing me to watch Christ work on your heart.

For allowing me to watch him take those fragile bitter pieces that your heart has broken into and place them together again so intricately and perfectly.

To watch Him pick you up when you had nothing left and be your feet and the strength that you need.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you how wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless in every way Christ is.

Thank you for bringing me to my knees in prayer with you in a parking lot.

My heart hurts with joy for watching you fall in love once again, only this time with a man who can do nothing but love you unconditionally.

This One's for the Girls

I've come to realize a lot about myself:
 
-I love music. Like love it. I could sit and hum and sing to a guitar all day. Mix piano and violin together and you'll have me bawling like a baby. Throw a great drum beat together and I want to dance. Music has just been a staple for a lot of things in my life. Sadness, joy, contentment, satisfaction...
 
-I love my dog. Like, probably more than I should. I talk to her like a person and look forward to her greeting me when I get home. Hugging her and having her lay at my feet is euphoric. (actually as I type this the 37 pound lug is "sitting" in my lap) 
 
-I hate the heat. But there are rare instances, like the last coupe days, when I love how the weather feels and just want to drive with my windows down.
 
-I love a good glass of wine or coffee and chocolate. It just hits a soft spot for me.
 
-My love language is quality time. It's the way I show love and the way I feel loved. Having a great in-depth conversation with someone just can't be compared to anything else in my life-especially when paired with wine or coffee. :)

-I love sports to a ridiculous level.
 

-I love to be organized and on top of things. But I often find myself putting things off till the last minute because I thrive on the challenge to get it done. I'm completely bored and tune out if it's too easy.

-I've learned I would gladly live out of a suitcase if it meant I could travel the world. 

-I love to laugh. I love people with cheesy jokes or a quick witted sense of humor. I don't think people laugh enough. 

and last but not least: I've decided I've reached a point where I'm ready to just do life with someone. I'm ready to share experiences with them. I'm ready to go through something and not have to explain in detail what it was like, because they just get it. There are days I get really frustrated with being single. But I was reminded the other night, in one of those in-depth conversations I love, of how appreciative I am to be single. Not because I get to do whatever I want-because I just mentioned above that I'm ready to do life with someone. But because I realize what a gift marriage and dating is. Just because I want to be in a relationship doesn't mean God is ready to put me in one. He's held out on giving me "too many" relationships so that, that day when the right guy comes along, I'm not bruised and beat up and broken down. I'll have my put-together heart already in tack, ready to hand over with that key and a simple phrase of forever.

Valentines day is coming up and I feel like this is why every single girl hates this holiday, because they're too ready to rush God's perfect timing. I on the other hand, LOVE Valentines day. It's just a great reminder of what I said before (and a great reason to decorate for another holiday). I'm thankful to be single and not know what earthly love is yet. It gives me something to look forward to and to really focus on what I should have, and not what I think I need.
 

Cielo

I have such a soft spot for Phil Wickham's singalong cd's. I feel like it's such a glimpse to what we have to look forward to in heaven. The sounds of fellow believers shouting out unending praise together.

There's nothing more to simply say then you NEED to listen to this song.

It rips my heart apart in so many ways. so many GOOD ways.

I can't wait for the day that I will enter those white gates and fall on my knees and not have the ability to bow low enough in awe of the vision of my God with all the angels and saints around me.

for the day that I can't reach my arms high enough in praise.

the day I won't be able to sing loud enough as the thunder rolls and lightening strikes and His glory bursts forth and fills the sky with radiance.


Such a sweet sweet moment it will be.

Here I stand

adore. (a verb)
to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor. to pay divine honor to. to like or admire very much.


Have you ever seen the look on a new parents face? In those first few precious moments a mother and father get to hold their newborn child. The one they've waited so long for. The one who was carried with them for 9 months. The one who caused heart burn, bathroom runs every 10 minutes, and massively weird food cravings.

Have you ever seen the look of a veteran as they watch their countries flag being hoisted up a poll? As they stand on guard and are filled with the pride of a country they have fought hard to protect.

Have you ever watched a child walk into disneyland for the first time? To see a character they've come to love on tv, stand right in front of them. To look into the face of a princess and think, "One day that'll be me."

Or how about someone who finally understands the gospel. Who finally sees that someone loves them despite all their flaws. That their "imperfections" are marks of grace and love and divine honor. That someone loved them so much, he laid down his life for them.


Adoration is around me everyday. But I don't feel like I've truly taken time to watch for it or experience it, until I returned from Ethiopia. It's taken me feeling completely alone, completely abandoned and completely euphoric, to understand what it is and where it is.

I find myself in this place I've never been. This place of experiencing God in such a raw form that I realize I have no idea what I'd do with out him. How much my heart breaks for those who suffer. How much He endured for me. How some days, despite the widening pit of despair inside me on occasion, I still want to stand before him with my arms wide open. I've come to learn what it means to adore Christ. Adore, not only how he entered this world in a lowly lifestyle, but to adore his majestic seat on the throne.

Resolutions?

I've been thinking a lot about resolutions the last couple days.

Normally I'm all about making elaborate lists and then as the days go by they somehow disappear and I let life get in the way of my big plans.
I can honestly say I've never really made a new years resolution because I guess in that sense, I'm a realist and know that I'll make it about a month and quit. Most of the time it's just out of sheer boredom.

But this year is a little different. As I look back on 2012 I realize I had some incredible highs and some incredible lows.

Here's my recap of 2012: In March I quit a job I loved (and felt I did a great job at) and moved to a third world country. I've always been TERRIFIED to leave home and friends because I didn't want to miss anything. But there I was, answering a call that was so heavily placed on my heart by the Lord.
I was sick 4 out of the 6 months with amoebas, parasites, a life threatening allergy attack and had to deal with 36 days of no running water.
I lost 35 pounds and have no intention of ever finding it.
I watched lives end, begin and had a chance to have a glimpse at what it's like to love someone so "below" you with unconditional (be it conditional since I'm not God) kind of love.
I moved to southern california to "start life over" with my parents. It's weird to be back living with them after 3 years of being on my own, so to say, and now having to rely on their support once again. But it's a learning and surrendering process for me and I'm thankful and extremely blessed to have 2 parents who are willing to help me.
I got a great job that I absolutely love! I went from being seasonal help, to being kept on and promoted in only a matter of 5 weeks.
And last but not least, I got this little princess: (okay she's not going to be that little and she's not always a princess)

I can say that looking back on 2012; my 2013 resolution is to be a woman of continual faith and each day rest in the fact that God is sovereign and over all things.

I may not succeed at it every day. But my resolution is to try (and not get bored!).

"The march, not the dirge, has ever been the music of Christianity. If we are good students in the school of life, there is much that the years have to teach us. But the Christian is more than a student, more than a philosopher. He is a believer, and the object of his faith makes the difference, the mighty difference. Of all persons the Christian should be best prepared for whatever the New Year brings. He has dealt with life at its source. In Christ he has disposed of a thousand enemies that other men must face alone and unprepared. He can face his tomorrow cheerful and unafraid because yesterday he turned his feet into the ways of peace and today he lives in God. The man who has made God his dwelling place will always have a safe habitation."

A.W.Tozer