Romance

Complete transparency moment- I'm a sucker for romance. Romantic movies, romantic gestures, romantic stories, you name it.

I will admit, it's gotten me into trouble sometimes. Whether it be, getting sucked into a romantic book and putting off things just to finish one more chapter. Deciding not to give a guy a chance because he is so far off the chart on what it means to be chivalrous. Or falling in love with the romantic stories of people meeting in high school and being married for 50+ years and reminded, once again, I'm 25 and no one has liked it and put a ring on it yet.

But I think the greatest romantic thing I've suckered myself into was, being a missionary. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't think God called me here or that I made a mistake. All I'm saying is I, like so many others, fell into the trap of romanticizing foreign missions. I had this dream that I would always be surrounded with children following me everywhere. I would have moments that people would be crying and thanking me for helping change their lives or that I would be able to walk into a person's home, pray over them and watch them rise like Lazarus-and yes I am aware I'm not God.

I had all these visions of what it would be like to be on the mission field in another country and be "fighting" the battle. Many of you may be laughing at this point and saying, "girl, I could have told you that wasn't going to happen." But I think if you dug down deep, you'd realize, you too envision Mother Teresa type moments when you think of a missionary.

You don't realize the behind the scenes moments. The moments of dropping 3 sizes in 3 months due to a very limited diet. The moments of tears running down your face when you throw up for 8 hours straight or the moments of complete and overwhelming loneliness. The moments when you realize you are face to face with the devil himself and don't even know it till he's stripped clean and left you to rot.

I have experienced all of these moments. I have also lost all romance for missions but in losing that romance, I have found a romance in a God who played out the most romantic story I could ever read. A man who loved SO deeply he didn't just say he would give everything for the one he loved, he did.

I've found a God who fought and fights the battle on a white horse right next to me and who looks at me and simply says, "You are treasured. You are sacred. You are loved and You are MINE."

1 Corinthians 13

There are days living here in Ethiopia that I wonder.

Just what exactly am I doing here?

Today. Today was one of those days. One of those days were I woke up hoping I’d finally be done with sickness. Only to realize that after finally annihilating the microscopic pests another pest known as the common cold has taken residence in my body.

With every cough I feel like I might have to revert back to my softball days and catch a pop-fly lung.

As I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about the day, a tear falls down my face.

Why? Why me?
Why now?
Why can’t I just be well and when will it be enough?

Then I feel a hand, a hand that slows turns into a loving embrace and gently I feel the words come out of my mouth. Completeness.

I open my hands and I feel God leaning in and whispering softly to me, “Find your completeness in me. You are seeing things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror. But one day you will see everything with perfect clarity. Everything you know and are feeling is partial and incomplete. One day you will know why. You will understand everything in completeness, just as I know you in full completeness.”

“Have faith my child. I am with you and I love you.”

Bugs

I have never been a fan of bugs. Now, that doesn't mean I turn into a screaming 3-year-old at the sight of a spider or creepy crawly thing. It just means that I hate bugs and the instant it comes into my sight, it can be prepared to see the white light.

I have learned a lot about bugs in Africa. I have played myth busters and can officially bust the myth that flies live longer then 24 hours and the majority of the population lives between my house and taxi stop. I have learned to keep a shoe very close by because roaches are fast and come out of no where. But most importantly I have learned, size DOES NOT matter. The smallest mosquito buzz can cause you to lay awake for hours(for fear of waking up looking like you've come down with chicken pox again). And the smallest microscopic bug can cause you to spend 8 straight hours in the bathroom. It will leave you bedridden for the next 4 days. It will cause you to curl up in the fetal position and find yourself crying out the lyrics to the song Healer by Kari Jobe(yes, I did do this and had tears running down my face with every word).

Never have I been in so much pain and never have I been so completely humbled. As I lay in my bed, blinking away tears and seriously considering getting on a plane and flying back to the states, I had a wake up call. One of the ladies who works for transformation love came in and told me I had someone calling asking how I was feeling. I soon found out this lady calling, was one of the TLove beneficiaries. A lady who I had just visited and prayed over the week previous because she is suffering with HIV and currently has bone TB. 

This lady suffering with a disease that could probably end her life, was calling me. The stupid white american girl with a couple bugs living in her. The compassion of this woman and the women here in TLove is absolutely overwhelming. I am humbled and blessed everyday. Even in the midst of feeling like death, these women have taught me to be thankful. To praise God in every situation and pour out his love in the meekest way I can.