Dream

8 hours. 8 hours of getting up about 5 times to be violently sick once again.

In the 6 months of me living in Ethiopia, I think I have spent about 4 of them sick. And now with only 7 days left in this country, I find myself dreaming all night of being back in a country where I don’t have to worry about getting a parasite or amoeba from everything.

I won’t have to worry about soaking my fruits and vegetables for 30 minutes in disinfectant before eating them.

I won’t have to run back to my house, after walking half a mile, to get toilet paper just in case I have to use the bathroom at the nearest restaurant. 

I won’t have to put in my headphones as I walk down the street to drown out the men yelling, “Hey! You! Need a husband?”-seemingly the only english phrase they know how to say. Or the little kids running after me saying “and birr or and dabo” (one birr or one bread).

I won’t have to feel guilty about not helping every single beggar that taps on my taxi window or follows me rattling the small amount of change in his hand.

I won’t have to wince as I watch the goats be dragged down the streets or as the dogs and vultures rip apart a dead donkey.

I won’t have to lay in a hard bed or get caught in the torrential down pours of rain, then walk back home to change because i have mud splatter all over me....

But yet, as I sit here and dream of all the things I won’t have to deal with, tears run down my face simply because I won’t have to deal with them.

I have 7 days left in this country and even as much as I dream of coming “home”, I realize I am home. And my last 7 days here are going to be so much harder then the 4 months I’ll be back in the states because this is where I want to be. This is where I’m supposed to be. 

To say I’m terrified about going back to the states, is a complete understatement. I’m scared I’m going to hate my friends and my family. I’m scared I’m going to cry everyday and have no one who knows what to do with me. I’m afraid I’m going to alienate myself from everyday life.

There is a mass amount of fears going on inside of me. I somewhat feel like Jonah. I feel like I know that I’m called to go back home but I feel like I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and that I want to find the nearest harbor and jump on a boat and hide. I don’t want to leave because I’m just so scared.

But as my friend Tamara posted in her blog, I have to have hope and I have to hold on. I’m going to keep fighting and continue to remember that he never does leave me. He never will forsake me. 

He is here holding my hand tighter more now than ever before.

"If Only You Knew..."

She sat on the edge of her bed. Tears streaming down her face and looking at her sound asleep 1 year old son. She watched him sleep knowing he would wake up screaming for food she was not able to give him. She wrapped her arms around her 6-month pregnant belly. How was she going to bring another life into this world when she couldn’t even take care of and provide for the one she already had. As she watched the sun rise she looked up and made a decision that would change the rest of her life.

She got dressed and made the trek through the mud filled Koré area to the only place she knew she could get some help fast. She needed money but couldn’t explain what for. She knew she would be denied in a heartbeat if they knew the truth.

Turning the corner she replayed in her mind over and over and over again the story she would tell.

As she walked through those church doors she asked for the person she was told to ask for and made her way to his office. As she entered tears flowed like a waterfall from her eyes. She sat down and recited her perfected lie. As she sat weeping she felt the money being placed into her hand. She looked down and grasped on tight, letting the tears flow even greater.

As she stood up to leave the man asked if she would be willing to come to a bible study that was meeting right then. He would like to have the women pray over her and her unborn baby. She felt she had no other choice and solemnly walked in to the room filled with women.

She sat for 2 hours listening to these women who have absolutely nothing, cry out to this absent being. With shouts of “Yahweh! Holy is your name!” “And praise you oh Lord, the one who saves!” She watched as these women found strength and comfort in their cries. She watched their faith and became so enthralled.

She slowly got to her knees and let hands of unknown women be placed upon her. She began to weep and said over and over again in her mind, “if only you knew…”
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4 months go by and she finds herself in front of that same church. Only this time with a baby strapped to her back. A baby who shouldn’t be here. A baby who 4 months previous was carried in her mother’s womb into this very church to tell the lie to receive money to end her life.

Once more she slowly enters the room filled with women and gets on her knees. She begins to weep only this time it’s tear of joy, tears of thankfulness. For that day 4 months ago she received and embraced the gift of forgiveness and salvation and because of that day and these women, she now sits with her newborn baby, Mihert, meaning forgiveness and salvation.
**************
Today I sat looking at this drop dead gorgeous 4 year old, a girl who brings an amazing reminder to her mother each day of the gift of salvation and forgiveness. A girl who brought an amazing reminder to me of just how great a God we serve. How limitless he is and just how possible he is. A God who sees us and weeps when we weep and provides when we need provision. I know I shouldn’t be this amazed, but I love that I am. I love that I serve a God who continues to amaze me and who continues to bring me back to a place where I realize just how capable he is when we let him take the wheel. As I sat listening to her story I couldn’t help but think of all the people who have no idea the greatness of Christ. I found myself shaking my head and just saying, “if only you knew”

Beauty

They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and sometimes I sit and wonder what it looks like through the eyes of God. What he sees when he looks down at his creation. Just how overwhelmed, how in love he is with us, with his creations. The things he has spent so much time sculpting and molding. The clay he has formed and made perfect in his eyes. The gold he has melted down and refined to the core. 

Today, today I sat with 8 of the most amazing, most stunning creatures ever. I cried my eyes out as I looked at them. Dirty, smelly clothing; hair a mess or tied up with a scarf. Mud encrusted feet and black unmanicured hands. 

These women scream beauty in the 1 Peter sense. Their beauty is an over flowing cup. Their gentle quiet spirits are so absolutely precious in God's eyes and their faith in Him makes them so intoxicating to be around.

These women suffer to be women of Christ. To live as an example to their children to never give up and to continue to have a faith like no other. On the days/weeks they have no food and aren't sure how they'll pay house rent or how to pay for school, they don't cry out in anger to God, they cry out in thanksgiving and faith that he will provide. They are patient. They never complain or ask for themselves. They simply open up their hearts tell their story, but end it with a full heart of thanksgiving for what they do have.

Everyday I am encouraged and empowered by these HIV positive drop dead gorgeous women. These women who trust God and fall at his feet in thanksgiving, even when there seems to be no hope.

I want that beauty. With out a doubt I envy that beauty. A beauty not of this world, but of something so out of this world. I envy what God sees in us, but I pray that others may start to see that in me.